The Rules Of Conduct With Friends

(Excerpted from Futuwat namah by Khwaja Husayn Wa’iz Kashifi Sabzawari An Naqshbandi Translated by M. Nur Abdussalam)

If asked: How many are the rules of conduct with friends? Say: With true friends or with false friends?

If asked: Who is a true friend? Say: That person in whose friendship one cannot conceive of a private motive. The distinguishing mark of such a person is that he has five qualities:

1.      Intelligence, for in the companionship of the foolish, there is nothing good. The wise have said that an intelligent enemy is better than a foolish friend.

2.      Good temperament, for friendship with a person possessing a bad temperament facilitates difficulties.

3.      Moral soundness, for friendship with the corrupt and lewd is not good. One cannot be sure of one who does not fear God.

4.      Contentedness, for companionship with him who loves the world and is greedy is, as it were, a fatal poison.

5.      Truthfulness, for in the friendship of one who is untruthful and dishonest there is no peace. Whatever he says cannot be believed.

If asked: Who is a false friend? Say: One in whose friendship a motive is suspected. Such friendship cannot be trusted, for whoever makes friendship out of self-interest will terminate it when he has achieved his objective. If he does not succeed, he will turn into an enemy. Verse:

The fraudulent friends whom you see
Are flies around something sweet;
So long as there is liberality, they drink—
Like bees, they swarm around you.
But when the village is ruined
And the purse becomes like the empty bowl of a viol,
They abandon their friendship and affection;
One would think there had never been any friendship!
I speak the truth; they are scavenging dogs,
Preferring a bone to you!

If asked: In the event one finds a true friend, how should one conduct oneself with him? Say: You muse observe twenty things:

1.      Do not be parsimonious with him. If you cannot give him all, well, give that much which will take care of his need.

2.      Do not disclose his affairs to anyone else, but keep them in you heart.

3.      Conceal his faults from others, but not from him; rather, inform him so that he may strive to remedy them.

4.      Listen to his words intelligently

5.      Do not object to his words or seek out their deficiency

6.      Address him properly

7.      Be thankful for his favours

8.      In his absence, observe the defence of the absent.

9.      Should counsel be necessary, give it with hints and tact. Avoid explicitness and harshness.

10.  Overlook his mistakes and consider them unseen.

11.  Do not burden him with your troubles.

12.  Rejoice in his joy and be sad at his sadness.

13.  Begin with a salutation to him.

14.  Respect him in a manner that is not greater than is warranted.

15.  Do not interrupt when he is speaking.

16.  Choose for him that which you choose for yourself.

17.  Pray for him in holy places and solicit prayers for him.

18.  Introduce him to gatherings and seat him in an honourable place.

19.  When he is in need, do not stint in your protection.

20.  To not befriend his enemies nor harbour enmity for his friends.